Henbit’s quiet, shy, unassuming, and definitely a little off. She draws you in with those pretty little pink flowers, tucked under her leaves like a promise, and then BAM. She pulls out scrapbooks for every cat she’s owned since she was 10.
Last seen stealing money from the collection plate.
Wild radish is the 38-year-old reining keg-stand champion of northern Idaho. Wild radish has a lower back tattoo which reads 4EVER YOUNG. He’s always looking for an excuse to show it off.
Last seen in entering the local PD in nothing but a feather boa.
Common vetch borrows your dress clothes without asking but she returns them clean and folded and in the wrong drawer. She stole your boyfriend for senior prom but it turned out your best friend was in love with you, anyway, so you still got to go.
Last seen ripping off soda machines outside the Laundromat.
Curly dock is the kid who sucker punched you for no reason in the lunch line and then pretended he was patting your back when the teacher came by. Curly dock is widely known to have shady ties to both local politics and local crimelords and no one knows how he makes his abundant money.
Last seen buying booze for teenagers at the local Gas’n’Sip.
Chickweed is a close-talker. A close-talker with no sense of smell but an abiding fondness for salami and hugs which go on too long. Chickweed drunk dials on Friday nights to talk about how much he really loves you, man.
Last seen illegally dumping.
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One of my jobs this week was digging up curly dock. It’s a pretty pernicious weed—it has a deep, wide taproot, the stems break off when you try to pull it up, and every segment of root you leave in the ground sprouts more curly dock, hydra-style, resulting in whole beds overrun with the stuff if you don’t stay on top of it.
We control weeds through a variety of non-chemical means—hand hoeing, wheel-hoeing, hand weeding, and cover-cropping. Wherever possible, we work with the ecology of our place, the biology of the plants we want to grow and the plants we want to discourage by disturbing weeds when they’re germinating, pulling them before they go to seed, or removing them when they’re known to be weakest.
And sometimes when I’m pulling weeds I amuse myself with anthropomorphisms.